I feel like dating in the 21st century is mostly made up of endless amounts of swiping and the occasional exchange of a GIF of Joey asking ‘how you doin’. Once you have spent a few months of your life doing this, however sad that sounds, you start to see a pattern in the kind of guys on the other end of the phone. This is my analysis on the type of guys you will most likely come across at one point or another on dating apps…..
The Catfish – He is gorgeous, loves dogs, shares your interest in prison documentaries and laughs at your crap puns about cheese. He is too good to be true. Well it turns out that’s because he isn’t true, after some social media stalking you find out your prince charming is actually a 60 year old goat farmer called Herbert (might be exaggerating a bit here but you never know it could happen!)
The Midnight Messenger – In every photo he is flexing at the gym or in his swim trunks on the beach. This guy is after one thing and one thing only. He makes it very clear to you by following these simple steps 1. He will only message you between midnight and 4am 2. His first question will be ‘what is your snap’ 3. His second question will be ‘so when am I coming over’. You’re not fooling anyone Casanova!
The Serial Swiper – This guy does not understand the concept of a left swipe. A match will be followed by a generic ‘hey how are you x’ message and will you will later discover, over a glass of wine with the girls, that he sent the exact same thing to each of them. If it’s got boobs and legs then its good enough for him.
The Tortoise – Know the story of the tortoise and hare? Well that is the tale that this guy takes his inspiration from. He will send you engaging, interesting messages filled with questions and witty responses that give you hope you’ve found a potential match. The only problem being he will take around 4 days to reply to each one. Now I understand that most people do have better things to do with their time than replying to tinder messages but don’t ask me how my Monday was if you won’t actually read my response and reply till Thursday!
An Actual Adolescent – You knew that he had a baby face but thought that was just a cute quality! It isn’t until later when you realise he only replies before 9am and after 3:30pm that he is in fact still in school. If you bring this up to him I guarantee he will say ‘I bet I’m more mature than half the man you’ve ever met’. Could be true but I also don’t remember enough from school to be able to help you with your homework so I can’t see this working out I’m afraid.
The Scum of the earth – He has a girlfriend.
The Familiar Face – You’re sat at home killing some time by swiping when low and behold the cool kid of your secondary school appears on your screen. The only acceptable response is to first look over his photos and establish that he definitely peaked at 13, laugh at how the boy who always had a girlfriend is now on Bumble, remember that are in the exact same situation but without the glory of having relationships throughout your school years and stop laughing, quickly swipe right but secretly hope he has seen and noted your glow up.
The Ghoster – This one is a bit of a no brainer and unfortunately just seems to be a norm of dating apps. Either he won’t even send you a message at all to begin with or reply to your sad attempt at a pick up line or even worse, you will actually have a good conversation and before you know it a reply never comes! Was it my excessive use of exclamation points that put him off? Who knows but you will think about it during your shower thoughts for the next couple of days!
So there we have it. A list of the kind of guys that always seem to make an appearance on my dating apps, have you ever encountered any of them or do you have any regulars of your own I would love to know!
Go and grab another cuppa on me, Em x
LIKED THIS POST? read my other post on The 6 stages of a long distance relationship