2017 has been an interesting year for all of us and I am no exception! If anything though it has taught me a lot about myself and the people in my life (however cliche that sounds) and I have come to conclusion that trust and honesty are the most important things to me.
As we got to the end of 2016 I managed to bag myself a boyfriend but as this year is drawing to a close I have lost him. A major part of it was down to him being unfaithful but more than anything it was his lack of honesty. He let me carry on for 4 months thinking that we were happy and that he was as in love with me as I was with him. Had he told me back in September what he had been doing would I have forgiven him? No but I would’ve respected him more for being honest and my ability to trust in others wouldn’t be as hindered as it is now. Relationships are built on trust and at the very least you owe it to your partner to be honest about a mistake or a change in heart no matter how will be horrible it will be to tell them.
This past year has also taught me how important it is for me to be honest to the people around me. I have struggled with anxiety for a few years now and I used to try and hide it and act like nothing was ever wrong but this year I have changed that. If I feel uncomfortable or scared or anxious now I tell someone. If I don’t want to go somewhere because I know it is going to give me a panic attack I will say that to someone, not come up with some other alternative excuse that doesn’t involve my mental health. I have learnt to embrace the things that make me happy and not feel embarrassed about them anymore. Yes I still sleep with a teddy, the bear is not just sat on my bed because it looks cute. Yes I love Disney and I know all the films off by heart because I watched them yesterday not because I watched them loads as a child. I have learnt to be more honest with my parents about what I want from life and not feel like I have to agree with what they say. I don’t feel the need anymore to follow in their, or my older brothers, footsteps just so that I have some things in common with them. This is my life and now that I am old enough to make decisions for myself I am going to play it out as I want to.
Most importantly though I have learnt to be more honest with myself. I used to feel a major pressure to conform to what others wanted me to and to do things just to make other people happy. I would hide away my own feelings and try to act like the people around me in order to fit in. Not anymore though. If I don’t feel happy in a place I am going to leave. If I don’t feel like someone is appreciating me for who I am then I am going to create distance between me and them. If someone wants something from me that I am not comfortable with doing then I am going to say no. It is time for me to accept that I do have anxiety. I don’t always want to go clubbing, I don’t want to travel to Thailand for 2 months, I don’t want to get off my face drunk, I don’t want to have casual relationships and that is all okay. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to and from now on I am going to listen to myself more and less of the opinions of those around me.
The ability to have feelings and opinions is what makes us human and it is time to be more honest with each other about them. Wether it’s to your partner, your family, your friends or yourself 2018 is the year of telling the truth and I am bloody well looking forward to it!
Go and grab another cuppa on me, Em x
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